Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
