I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
