I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
