i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
