Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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