He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
