you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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