News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
