My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
