Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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