i think my mom watched the whole time
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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