OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
