i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
