I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
