I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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