Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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