i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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