God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
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Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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