I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
