At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
