what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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