Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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