Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
