I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize