Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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