this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
