he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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