I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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