The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
