My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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