don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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