I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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