that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
