So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
