Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
