You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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