Moan for me like Helen Keller
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
a search helicopter?!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
