A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
