I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
