Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
