Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
