I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
