Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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