I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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