She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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