I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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