it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
