During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
