Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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