why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and she was petting her beer can
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
