PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
