If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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