I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
