the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
