im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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