Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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