you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
